traps: fickle, tender, and escape plans

there are so many things that are stretching me and how i feel tonight that i can't focus: people not getting it, people thinking a book deal means $$$$, looking at my bank statment, meeting James Jones Contest winner John Smelcer, eating my first real meal in two days, trying to be social in a roomful of social workers. . . too many things to say that would both incriminate and frustrate me (people actually read this now--like people i don't even know: odd). Believe me this isn't me filtering how i feel about x,y,or person z but there are somethings nobody gets from me nowadays--(i'm trying to wise up, yes?)

instead of all this nonsense, i'll just say a couple of things about my grad assistanship. Sometimes, if you are lucky, a second chance is tossed your way to rewrite an ending--my grad assitantship is my second chance. i am not very proud of how my college career ended--a lot of people who earmarked my potential were privately disappointed (no more so than yours truly) at what i was becoming or what i was squandering. . . as a result i lost contact with so many people who really inspired me and molded those good parts of me i cling to today--namely both dr. fields and dr. culver always challenged me and provided me with chances to become live up to my poetential, but in a way, I f*&ked that up--call it young, drunk, and stupid.

fastfoward a couple of years and the brass ring has been polished off, tarnished removed and it dangles in front of me again--now i get it, this is the second chance to do something with a gift i almost stuffed inside a bottle and through messageless into a whiskey river. it won't go down like that this time around.

tonight i was invited to have dinner with my fellow grad assistant, dr. fields (now dean fields), dr. culver, a couple of Manuscript editors, faculty, and John Smelcer. in the middle of dinner, dr. culver was sitting across the table watching me tell Smelcer all about the poetry scene in this area. i caught her out of the corner of my eye give that look--a look that had been lost for several years of me being a fool. . .

i'm home.



ps: did you know that volvo's were designed to prevent moose from entering through the winshield in a head-on collision scenario? those zany sweedes: thanks darrin!


today's soundtrack: Kings of Leon Aha Shake Heartache; Otis Redding Dictionary of Soul; Tracy Chapman s/t; Razorlight up all night; Eddie Piaf Volume 1; Replacments Let it Be; Al Green I Can't Stop; Snow Patrol Final Straw; REM Dead Letter Office; Nina Simone Best of; Toad the Wet Sprocket fear